Wednesday, 26 November 2008

NaNoWri Mo


Well there is is.
My badge for writing 61,000 + words of a novel in November. I have set myself until the challenge ends on the 30th of this month to lick it into a draft form to actually show it to friends and family, who may or may not read it, but it will make me feel better that I did it to entertain, which is the main reason I do anything.

I am sure much of it will irritate. It is a ripping yarn, part historical friction, part suspense and drama, part a tale of everyday folk who eat sandwiches and go for a slash every so often while being required to commit themselves to having their minds messed with by a crazy homosexual minor knight type of Guy in the thirteenth century experimenting with alchemy, cosmology and scientific theory advanced even for the twentieth century and who rejects the basic beliefs of the Medieval Western World. Only they don't actually know that is happening. They are worried it might be psychosis or God. Hopefully the everyday folk will get to have sex at some point instead of the reader just being expected to assume that they do. Didn't have time to work up to any good sex scenes. Maybe later on. One can't rush such things. Not unless the characters are suffering from crosscentruy hypnosis and act, well , out of character. But then the reader has to have an idea that he /she knows how the character should act before being shocked that they are acting out of character, otherwise it doesn't really work, does it. For me writing it, the scenes have to be practical enough to act out, and have to be able to withstand questioning devised by a mind of a nine year old. You see, they know that you can't go three days without a pee, and they know that if you have a scab, you will most certainly pick it, and when people see something nasty they often respond by chucking up their lunch.

Anyway, so now I have the winners badge for achieving the 50,000 words, I shall have to do all those other things I haven't done this month, and that I used the creative challenge to procrastinate from doing. It was quite weird. I did a load of things that I would not normally do in order to ut off sittin gdown to write, but I didn't do the things that I normally would have done. That is, I cleaned the tile grout in the bathroom, but I didn't write to my cousin and I didn't make my Christmas cards and gift tags, and there is fluff like tumble weed under the bed.

Hmmm. Maybe I might just start the sequel...

Sunday, 23 November 2008

Sunday Afternoon Walk










Sunday Afternoon Walk.

the stone frog
on the window sill opposite
sports a frozen snow hoodie
lopsided it dribbles
a toothless hobo grimace


sycamore and chestnut
toss in the wind
clutch at the air
desperate
dead hands with parchment skin
cling to chimneys
my gloves, the colour
of autumn
float on a copper sea
of fallen beech leaves

miles of dappled lane later
stained glass sun fails to set blaze
the hills behind the turbines
on Knabb Ridge
greyscale sky scuds in from the moor
first flakes blow
too soon to settle
melt like love in a hurry

trees, a little more bare than before
crowd, suck spaces closer together
hover twixt dusk and twilight
afternoon and evening
life and death
The chill exhilarates
inspires
I slip on a dead squirrel
fur blurred as bonfire smoke
an urban fox scuttles
through swept leaves
eyes like a luminous watch.

Thursday, 30 October 2008

Incident in the Street Outside

a woman struggled
four men held her down
on the pavement
'let me go, let me go'
it was a kind of mantra
not urgent or beseeching
more a statement of fact
she seemed coherent
but sad, not even desperate
or emphatic
Marcel said she had a knife
or a piece of glass
Ben had blood splashes on his apron
he held a teatowel tight
as a tourniquet around her wrist
she twisted and bit
it started to rain
the pavement glittered
ran with oily rainbows
the chiropodist led
a fat woman away
her shoulders slumped
she dragged her feet
why do people limp
when there is nothing wrong
with their legs?
the chiropodist comforted her
i needed you here to make sense
of how these people
our neighbours
strangers passers by
those who try not to stare
from cars
fitted into this scene
no one else could tell me
the ambulance came
Gerald from the bikeshop
directed traffic
it took them ages to strap
her on the trolley
she fell off twice onto the road
bare dirty feet waving
kicking obliquely
no one dared be firm or rough
still she screamed
my ears strained for clues
hissed with horror and pain
Gerald the bikeshop
declined to gossip avoided
people's eyes
later I heard it was his daughter
having a Breakdown
in public.

Why weren't you there?
You would have known
what to do
what to say.

Tuesday, 26 August 2008

Pond








The August Bank Holiday re-enactment weekend is always sad in a way as it is the last of the season and means that another Summer is coming to an end. Spring is always lovely at Murton, with the hedges foaming with blossom and wild flowers tucked away on the banks of the streams, not to mention the lambs and chicks, but for me, the park is at its best in late Summer, with the trees in their fullest foliage, the hawthorn berries turning red, the elderberries green still but plumping up to deep purple weighing down the slender branches like dangling earings on a Turkish belly dancer. The paths around the fort are bordered with shoulder high grass and nettles, briars spill ripening blackberries like shining jewels over onto the narrow packed earth tracks. The Celtic village is overgrown and mysterious with the ruins of the roundhouses which were burned down by vandals a few years ago. The twisted hawthorn bedecked with ribbons guards the remaining sod house, mossed green and cool as a water nymph's boudoir. Along the walkway to the apiary the apples plop prematurely on the path, and in the garden of the Tudor house, they blush red above the rioting herbs.

A few years ago a huge English oak on the path to the Celtic village was blown down in a gale. Its shattered and splintered trunk screamed, the trunk and overweight branches spread across the pond and beyond, a giant broken and dying. Over a period the leaves ceased to unfurl on borrowed sap in Spring. The branches were sawn up and used for firewood, so that now the remaining fallen trunk rests across the pond and has become a part of its organic ecostructure, the jagged base smoothed and painted by time is hollowed out and is home to various flora, fauna, insects and magnificent fungi. The nettles and willowherb, wild garlic and tall grasses had been cut back exposing the rushes and water edge plants and allowing the sunlight to play on the deep viridian waters, picking out the vaguely sinister emerald weeds below the surface that hide goodness alone knows what.

Today the sun shines passionately down as if making up for lost time. The woven hazel hurdles that warn the unwary visitor or stray sheep or goat of the pond's existence are warm and supple to the touch. The grass is vibrant with grasshoppers playing the fiddle and the creatures that busy on the banks of still water. The pond is rich cerulean in places where it reflects the sky, and a pair of dragonflies swoop and dodge and skim in an arial ballet, their wings whirring, whizzing, blurring , sharply changing direction to defy my camera lens. If I stare hard enough I can see poor mad Ophelia, flowers in her flowing hair, floating in the murky depths.

Despite the mad activity of the wildlife, the plips and ripples of the surface skimmers, skittering waterboatmen, the opportunist minnows and the wisps of thistledown, it is still and peaceful. It is peaceful enough to allow the imagination to slip beyond time and place to the pages of Thomas Hardy or Mark Twain, or to feel as if one is inside of a Romantic Movement painting or poem, formed in the dots of pointillistic impressionism.

Sitting by the pond, on a day like this, time stands still.







Monday, 4 August 2008

The Jacobite Steam Train and Dogs.












Trains of Thought.


I don’t know what made me walk that way last Thursday evening. I generally avoid groups of people hanging around on the footbridge over the railway, or groups of youths hanging around anywhere on the dog walking route. They tend to have Bill Sykes type bull terriers on one side or other of the Dangerous Dogs Law. In some areas a gun, either replica or otherwise is the must -have fashion accessory, around the area I walk through to get out into the woods and fields they favour the staffie or the pit bull as a necessary part of their well ‘ard image. Dangerous Dog Law is a joke. The owners are probably the danger , not the hapless hounds, but even so, we have been attacked by them on more than one occasion. My border collie assumes a sit and wait posture and if the dogs go for him, he tends to run. As I am always on the other end of the lead, and he runs rather faster than I do, the effect does not do much for my dignity. I hate people who insist on having their dogs off th leash and who cannot or will not keep their dogs under control. Dogs apart, I go on adrenalin code red if I see a group of people, and specifically a group of teenage males with an attitude and aspect intended to intimidate. However, it has always been my practice to walk right through the middle of them, ensuring I do not make eye contact. It usually works, taking the current dog fashion out of the equation. They part to let me through and don’t take much notice.

So, last Thursday evening when I decided to turn right and walk the bridle path at the back of the school the opposite way to which I usually take, and go over the footbridge, it was too late to change direction and avoid the crowd of about twenty people milling around on it by the time I saw them. As I approached, I saw that the crowd consisted of elderly people, children and a couple of people-who-looked-responsible. You know the type of person, you can tell them as soon as you see them; teachers, carers, some (not all ) parents, most grandparents out with the grandkids have it, that air of authority, that tilt to the face and set of the mouth. I soon realised that these people must be carers as a few of the others started to paw at me and smile and ask me questions that people who have inhibitions just do not ask strangers. In fact, people rarely say anything to other people, unless it is two dog walkers with the same sort of dog and dressed the same way, between whom the radar twitches and tests the signal with a jaunty ‘lovely evening isn’t it’ type of comment as you draw level. These people were Downs syndrome people, smiling broadly and clutching my arm, asking if the dog was friendly. (He is. Too friendly).

I smiled , to my shame, a little embarrassed, and spotting some kind of spaniel -cross -Heinz57 bounding towards us through the coarse grass, wild oats, golden rod, rose bay willow herb that grew wild and dry and scratchy in the no mans land between the path and the fence of the embankment, pulled my collie in close and rushed through , nodding and painting a stretched- mouth clenched- teeth grin on my face to them all like some puppet tweaked by a drunk with St Vitus dance, the spaniel attempting to shag my leg, my collie attempting to shag the spaniel. Bobby always prefers to make love not war.

The cycleway asphalted path that runs parallel to the railway line here forks off the streets that once were part of the landscaped gardens of the big Victorian gothic house with the crenulated tower that breathed wealth and propriety, owned by the Foxes last century and now a Rest Home for Antediluvian Buffaloes. Once on this path from here, there is no exit until about a mile beyond where I would normally have taken my circular route home , thus taking me on a longer detour, past where I need to be so I would have to double back through the town streets. I decided what the hell, I would walk along it tonight.

There were two men standing on the path. They both had cameras cocked. They looked approachable so I asked them if there was a special train coming down the track, thinking maybe it was the Royal train or something, thinking vaguely I had not seen any police ,to say there were all these people loitering around. One of the blokes replied that it was a steam train and due any minute now.

Of course, I love steam trains, spend a fair bit of my time on and around them, what with all the WW2 railway events we attend. The dog and I stopped and fixed our eyes upon the arch of the road bridge by the Buffaloes Mansion.

At the museum there is a mile or so of restored track from the Derwent Valley railway, and we ride the lovingly restored trains as part of the scenarios when we do frontier or Indian Wars and WW2 , Spanish Civil War re-enactments there. The train enthusiasts are a fantastic bunch of talented engineers, with boiler suits , smutty faces, black hands and enthusiasm that would out-shine a beatified evangelist.

In August 2003 , the 100th anniversary of the original railway opening in 1913, there was a reconstruction of that day, down to the local brass band playing (badly) and out of time with each other, CL-W loafed around with his old school tie holding up his trousers, being very foppish, PH dressed as a gamekeeper in his plus-twos and Norfolk jacket, a couple of the girls wandering about with Votes for Women placards and rosettes, others chained to railings, genteel cups of tea in fine bone china in the marquee , croquet on the lawn, farmers, ag labs, gentry all milled around, everyone all dressed for an Edwardian summers day and the scene was for all the world a replica of 100 years back. I remember, I looked across the yellow and green fields dozing under the bluest of Vale of York skies, thinking how all these people (because for me now the scene had time slipped for real, they were no longer my friends and colleagues, they were people on the edge of the world) had no idea that their peace would be completely shattered within the year. in a few months time, the golden Edwardian Summer would have turned into the mud and blood and slaughter of the trenches of the Great War and nothing would ever be the same again. Most of these young men , cheeks puffed out honking their tubas and parping their trumpets would be dead, or if they survived, armless, legless, mindless or if they avoided that, with the joy sucked out of them. I started to cry. I am starting to cry now.

I burst into tears when the engine shrieked under the bridge, pristine brass work, glossy maroon paintwork, with a roar and a hiss . It was a long train, people leaning out of the windows. Involuntarily, I waved at them. With all my heart I waved at them, tears dripping off my nose So embarrassing. That will teach me to run out of emotional memory blockers. For once in my life I had no camera with me, so I looked with my eyes and with that part of me that seems to be attached to atavistic memory; I had to look with a roaring in my ears, and wave, wave frantically at all the people waving out at me and the dog standing in the rays of the sinking sun, there on the path along the embankment. No camera shot, just emotion memory to write from.

Full of wonder, the dog and I climbed up the steep slope to the Antidiluvian Buffalo's Road Bridge and clambered over the fence and the wall onto the main road sidewalk for a quicker run home to find out about the train.

It was the Jacobite that runs from York to Scarborough on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays in July and August. I shall be there next Tuesday waiting for it bringing its passengers home after a day at the seaside.









Settle to Carlisle Railway Poem.


Sleepy Settle wakes on a market Tuesday,
Farmers’ wives from Clitheroe,
Hellifield, Long Preston,
Gisburn and Horrocksford,
Not to mention Nappa ,
Have your tickets ready please.
Travellers on the platform
Don’t forget to mind the gap,
Standback while the gypsum wagons rumble past;
Look up to Ingleborough, Whernside and Pen y Ghent
All aboard for Langcliff and the Carlisle metropolis
Don’t lean out the window when the guard’s whistle blows.

On through Taitland’s tunnel
And the Sheriff Brow viaduct
First of many striding ‘cross the rivers and vales;
Helwith Bridge, Crag Hill, Horton in Ribblesdale
Where they carry off the Yorkshire Dales in tip- up trucks.

Steam from the engine trails back from famous Batty Moss,
A pall on the graves of the navvies who died
From gunpowder accidents, hard work and smallpox
Burrowing Bleamoor tunnel like an army of moles.
Arten Gill is where the firemen take a breather
Before they stoke the boilers for the highest of climbs

They’re knitting in Dent, they’re knitting in Dent,
Their needles are flying , those mad knitters of Dent.

In Garsdale the waterfalls tumble down the hillside,
form speleologists’ cathedrals far underground;
Dandry Mires marshes were hard to negotiate,
The engineers spanned it with granite cut from Pen y Ghent.


Over Lunds and Grisedale, Moorcock, Birkett , Shotlock,
Tunnels and bridges built by force of will;
Time for a thermos to drink to nature’s ruggedness,
Watch sparrowhawks swoop over Mallerstang Moor.

Mallerstang Moor, Mallerstang Moor,
Mallerstang, Mallerstang, Mallerstang Moor

Stop at Kirkby Stephen
Pick up passengers for Appleby,
Decked out in their finery for the annual fair;
Horses and gypsies, gypsies and horses;
‘Retain your loyalty
preserve your rights’
Appleby ,Appleby, pride of the dales.

Ribbons twist round Langwathby's maypole,
Time for a cuppa at the Brief Encounter café,
Count the stone dancers in Long Meg’s circle,
Past Little Salkeld to Lazonby Halt.
See the pele tower that guards the River Eden;
Stained glass windows in the church
By Edward Burne-Jones.
Last stop
Tired little Armathwaite
then chug into Carlisle
with a triumphant toot.

(by DeBracey)

For the Love of Steam Trains


Freight wagons shake bottle green buffet windows
globe electroliers swing umbrellas of ochre light
over vaguely antagonistic travellers
reading ripping yarns in waiting rooms.

Manic sweating fire-dwarves stoke
rake and shovel locomotive coal
smoke blinds our eyes
our ears ring with the clank of iron wheels
and the shrill whistle that rends the night
like a knife shredding silk.

The guard's arms flash his flags
in scissor-action semaphore
Betjeman crams his Great Western Railway
Company egg-and-cress sandwich
into his cut glass vowels
and we board the 19.42 for Wantage.


Library photo of The Jacobite Steam Train

Slideshow by me- photos of Bolton Abbey- Embsay Railway 1940s events

Poems by me.

Friday, 11 July 2008

Flailing morasses -The Project 2

Chatting randomly on a forum recently about history in general, someone said that they would have like to have lived in feudal mediaeval England. Often at the museum, or in Living History events am I asked if would have liked to have really lived in a time period I am demonstrating, or which time period I would like to have lived in. There has always been one era or another that appealed- always of course dependent on just exactly who and what one would have been born- great in any time period to have been born wealthy and been part of the kind of history that the history books, the TV dramas, Hollywood and the historical novel tell us about.

But the real history, made up of the heaving masses flailing in the morass either accepting their lot or striving to clamber out of the pit, is another matter completely. To put myself into the shoes, or rather lack of shoes, that was the reality of all the ag labs all and the miners who somehow managed to survive long enough to beget the ancestors that led ultimately to my random -chance existence, the question I find myself asking is how those people kept going mentally and physically in the absence of the material gain and leisure trade offs for intensive labour we expect today. We also expect advancement in society, personal satisfaction and fulfillment as reward for hard work. Perhaps the hard work was reward in itself for our ancestors but somehow I doubt it. The relentlessness of the toil sun up sun down day in day out without anything to look forward to- in reality, what was there to look forward to for our ag lab or miner ancestors? High days and holidays must have provided some relief, but these were attached to religious ceremonies grafted on to the ancient pagan festivals based upon the agricultural year.

We know that the life of the pre-industrial revolution peasant or artisan was hard and we know that the struggle for survival was probably what kept them going, but surely even the lowliest serf must had had hopes and dreams. Trying to imagine the grim existence leads to an understanding of the need for something beyond the relentless toil and struggle to merely exist. After all, even with the cushy lives we all lead today by comparison, we still need something above and beyond, something to believe in. How easy it is in this context to understand how religion, the church had them all by the short and curlies, the reward in the afterlife, heaven, hell and the Natural Order of Things.

What did our ancestors dream about, aspire to in the abstract? We have records of what the intelligentsia , the moneyed and leisured classes aspired to and achieved in various periods, but the 'common man', mainly illiterate, what was there for him beyond the daily grind? The artisan craftsman often found outlet for his creativity in the great medieaval cathedrals that soared ever upwards, the monk scribe in his illuminated capitals, but the ag lab? Perhaps his joy at the beauty of his world transcended the hardships and registered in ways that were beyond the physical recordings that were written poetry and art manifest.

This world was a world of darkness and silence. No white noise of traffic and machinery, no street lamps, electric lights, no noise or light pollution. The fields and hedgerows would have their own sounds the composition of which could be picked out- each grasshopper, each bird call, each whisper of the grass would be picked up by the ears of our ancestors. They would not be able to go anywhere after sundown, unless it was a clear moonlit night- they just would not have been able to see where they were going, The blackness would have been tangible. There would have been more stars, more constellations, the heavens would have come down to earth in the sense that our ag lab could have observed the movements of the heavens and ordered his life by them. The portents of weather and therefore the behaviour of animals and the production of food and sustenance, even the spread of contagious diseases and plagues could be correlated with observations of the skies and of nature would have been meaningful to him because of precedence of observation of what were once the gods by which men lived their lives and developed rituals to reverse bad auguries and facilitate good ones. Maybe our peasant ancestor absorbed the spiritual to such an extent that the very strength of the earth , the wind, the stars fed not only him but his descendents , and it is that spiritual strength that remains tenaciously somewhere in the dna of his bewildered 21st century sons and daughters.


Another thing that would have been a part of our ancestors’ lives which we find hard to imagine is the smell, or rather stench of everyday life. Often the beasts would share the living space with humans. Humans did not wash bodies or clothes on a regular basis, and if soap was used it would be lye soap, an ingredient of which would be urine and ashes. The rush lights used to put a glimmer of light into a hut of a winters afternoon would give off an acrid odour. There were of course no latrines and faeces would be piled close to the back door of the cottages. People of all classes harboured fleas, lice and worms as a matter of course.

If anything would put me off living in Medieaval England, the thought of having maw worms , creatures that could be six inches long and which can emerge suddenly for any bodily orifice, including the corner of the eye , would certainly be high on the list of the unacceptable. Just imagine, there you are in Orwell's brief bloom of beauty stage of life, on a definite promise one vibrant May morning, wreath of flowers round your head placed there by the vision of beauty about to let you make wild and passionate love to her in the meadow orchids, and a six inch wriggler shoots out of your eye, or worse, her nostril.

Where I was really going when I thought of the lives my ancestors led, other than what to my 20/21st century life has become accustomed to define as my right to enjoy my life and to have every wrinkle in it ironed out by 'the government', was the sheer contrast of expectations. My great grandmother gave birth to fourteen children in the course of seventeen years at the end of the 19th century, and did not lose one of them in infancy. Their father was a survivor of an epidemic of scarlatina on Romney Marsh in the 1830s in which all but he and two of his ten siblings and his mother and father succumbed. My Great-Grandfather worked as an itinerant agricultural labourer from the age of 9 when he was orphaned. His wife could not read and write. It is doubtful if he could read much more than the parts of teh Bible he knew by rote anyway.
The children were born in four different parishes in the Marsh, suggesting that he had to work for different employers to keep them clothed and fed, which he did admirably according to a school photograph taken on 1904 in which several of them , including my Grandfather stand straight and proud and shining like sunbeams in their Sunday best. A few years later the boys were all fighting and dying in the trenches in France and Belgium.

And where I was going? How petty our 20th/21st century whinging and whinings about stress at work, depression, exhaustion, head colds, etc sound in context of how our ancestors lived and how they had no time to worry about such things. So often I am fed up with my job, have changed my job when I have wanted a change. My daughter changes her job every few weeks fo rreasons ranging from she doesn't like it, doesn't like the boss, doesn't like the hours. Thinking 'I am tired in spirit and tired in body' I suddenly realised just how resilient and downright heroic were the folk who lived in past eras.

I doubt anyone would want to regress and wipe out the advances in science and technology that have been made and revolutionised the way people think, the way they Live with a capital L. Also we do recognise that we have lost something alongside the gains, perhaps this is why the past holds a fascination. it is not just to learn by the mistakes that the politicians, kings and generals made, but to regain something of what those ordinary folk who tilled the fields, hacked at the coal face, hammered the cherry red horseshoes on the unforgiving anvil or chipped away at a block of stone to carve representations of the flora , fauna and caricatures of the people that made up their world possessed that we , with all our sophistication seem to have lost.

Monday, 16 June 2008

Stepping away from existence

The first time I remember wanting to die, as in not wanting to be in the state of existence we call 'being alive', was during the summer before my second birthday. I was playing in a paddling pool beneath the pine trees in the garden of the officers quarters where we lived in Hampshire. Across the wire fence that separated our garden from the gardens of the children who were of a senior rank to me- ie their fathers were a senior rank to mine, which meant their mothers ranked over mine, and they in turn ranked over me. Women and children found these things important, and seldom were you allowed to forget it. Deborah was a little girl who not only out ranked me, at 3 years of age, she out- aged me, so when she came to the wire fence to excitedly brag that they were having a birthday party for her baby brother Lindsay that afternoon, I scampered over the pine needles and asked if I could come to the party. Deborah grabbed one of Lindsay's T shirts from the washing that her mother was pegging on the line and began to windmill slapping me about the head with it, screaming no no I couldn't go. Of course I started to wail and ran back to the paddling pool where I lay down in it and waited to die.

Army children knew all about death, even before they were two years old, then. This was the 1950s, not long since the War, and the Blitz. We all knew about how babies could be sleeping in prams in the garden one minute and blown to smithereens by a bomb the next. Everyone had someone dead, and we were all always prepared for the possibility that our Daddies would go to work and die. It happened.

The grown ups were always warning about not going near the edge of the pond in case I drowned. I guessed drowning had something to do with not being anymore, so I was sure that lying in the paddling pool would take away the pain of humiliation and rejection, because if there was no you, no one could hit you with their baby brother’s wet T shirt. It would have been better if the airplane dodging in and out of the rock-and-tower clouds could have dropped a bomb on me though, then I wouldn't have been responsible for not existing and no one would hate me for doing it. However, my life was probably defined from this point by there having been a slow puncture in the plastic ring sides of the paddling pool, and a leak in the bottom where it had been placed on a stone or somthing, so the pool had about half an inch of water and was pratically as flat and useless for drowning purposes as a used and discarded condom. At that moment though, Mum came down the garden path and said that we had to get ready to go to the NAAFI to get a birthday present for Lindsay. She asked why I had so many red marks but I don't think I could actually articulate that Deborah had attacked me with Lindsay’s wet T shirt and said I couldn't go to the party because I was too inferior,, and I wanted to die and be planted deep in the ground where no one could be nasty to me, and even if I could have done, it wasn’t the done thing to complain. There was nothing Mummy could have done about it because they out-ranked us. In Northern Ireland once, my big brother had thrown a tin can at the Colonel’s son and cut his ear because he had been nasty to him and said I was an ugly baby, and it was my Daddy who had got into trouble because he was only a Captain.

There were many occasions following that over the next ten years, when I simply wished to cease to exist right there and then, and fantasised about ways that it might happen. I never seriously contemplated actually killing myself, suicide. I heard the adults talking about cowardly people who killed themselves. I also heard all the rows and the fights that sounded like Dad was killing Mum, and I assumed it was my fault for being born and wished almost everyday that I hadn't been and could miraculously be unborn, especially when there were whispers about what to do with me if there was a divorce and how I could stay at Boarding School and go to Grandpa’s in the holidays would hardly notice any difference.

When adolescence struck it got worse in some ways and better in others. It was fashionable to want to die then, and a few of the people at school tried it. A couple succeeded. Meanwhile I still tried to think of a method that would be quick and relatively painless. One reason I never attempted suicide, never really thought it was the solution to ceasing to exist, was that I was unsure about the existence of the afterlife. I mean, what if you killed yourself, only to find that death was not oblivion after all and you had to go through it all over again with the embarrassment of knowing the consequences of what you did? That would be no better than continuing to be alive. The thought of being in the spirit world, there in a parallel universe watching yourself make a complete and absolute dick of yourself and seeing what happened and what they all said when they found out that you had failed this week's Maths test miserably, or that you had a crush on a boy in the sixth form and people had found out about it, or that it was you who accidentally scratched the Georgian bookcase, or that you had farted as you got up to do the reading in Assembly and everyone knew it was you and never stopped teasing you about it.

The idea of ceasing to exist by dying was supposed to take that embarrassment and humiliation away, but what if hell was being forced to keep going through it, watching the reaction of your family when they found out why you killed yourself and you faced an eternity of living it in an eternal loop. It was enough to put anyone off the idea. However, a bit of razor blading your arm and watching the crimson beads form on the parallel slashes met half way and there was always the possibility of slipping and accidentally catching an artery, or even getting Lockjaw. I used to get Tetanus and Jaundice confused. imagined that a rusty blade would give me jaundice and I would go all yellow like my brother who was born in Malaya- I somehow got the idea that he was yellow anyway, so it didn’t kill him like tetanus should really, but I wasn’t born in Malaya, I was born in Ireland, so it probably would kill me, but I wasn't keen on being yellow when I ceased to exist, so that was not the ideal solution either.)

Adolescence passed, at least I think it did. It probably returns periodically, something like once every couple of weeks until the day of the ceasing to exist happens. I engaged in activities where accidentally ceasing to exist, or being killed through no real fault of my own, and thus having an insurance pay out when it happened to ameliorate any desires by my nearest and dearest into investigating why I did not want to be alive, and therefore not hurting their feelings because they might think I didn’t like them and wanted to get away from them permanently, were a likely result. I think the term is seeking out death and danger, taking risks for a living. Hey, this way I could cease to exist by the method that might actually do someone or society some good in the meantime. It failed though. My existence continued despite dangling it brazenly in front of greedy fates. Obviously it was not tasty enough for them. Back to the cuts and burns.

As middle age came upon me, amazed to have got so far, I thought that at last ceasing to exist without any intervention was going to be a doddle. There have been a couple of glitches like giving up smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol except on odd occasions, eating healthy food and taking exercise and somehow maintaining a body that is more healthy than I , as a studied hypochondriac needs. In fact, as middle age bit hard, I discovered a temporary solution to ceasing to exist. Or should I say rediscovered it. As a child I had the ability to completely cut off from the world that rejected me and go into an inner world of my own making, in my imagination. I could be anything, do anything I wanted until I was rudely dragged back into the world I wanted to stop living in. Even then I could do back to the world what it did to me- be on the outside looking in and refuse to be drawn into it.
Of course as a functioning member of society, outwardly I cannot literally do that, but what I can do is look at through a backwards telescope. Today there is a label or labels for what is in my head, the desire not to exist and the disconnection. I don’t need the labels, just to pull the darkness over my head from time to time, until it really is time not to exist.